Officially Technological

Saturday, April 23, 2005

The Science Of Swiss Rolls*

If you thought that eating Swiss Rolls was as easy as cramming them into your mouth, you were wrong. There's actually an entire science dedicated to Swiss Roll consumption. The originator of this very technical discipline, Matt Oesch, claims that Swiss Rolls can be more enjoyable if eaten in the proper way. This skill is so revolutionary, to Swiss Roll ingestion, he will very likely be nominated for a Noble Prize. I was fortunate enough to observe this science in action at a milk convention on Thursday night, and it is my supreme delight to share the techniques we studied that evening with all of you. Although not formally named, I shall call it Swissology. I'd like to share this procedure with you in an easy-to-follow step format. Unfortunately, I am, at this time, unable to provide the easy-to-follow photographs, however this problem should be rectified shortly. Since having this new skill will greatly improve your overall quality of life, I will share the easy-to-follow steps without the photographs, and update them when the photographs are able to be uploaded.


  1. Carefully unwrap the Little Debbie Swiss Roll. Ensure that the white cardboard is intact and uncrumpled for upcoming employment.
  2. Gently stab the Swiss Roll with a fork in one end so that the fork is not perpendicular with the Roll, but is at an 180 degree angle with the Roll.
  3. Pick up the Swiss Roll with the fork, and bite off the opposite end. Mr. Oesch claims that this step guarantees a superior exposure to the milk.
  4. Completely submerge the entire Swiss Roll in the full glass of milk.
  5. Leave the Swiss Roll immersed for 30 seconds or until the milk stops bubbling, this step will ensure that the Swiss Roll has been completely saturated with milk.
  6. Take a normal size bite of Roll.
  7. Enjoy.
  8. Repeat Steps 4-7 until the Swiss Roll is completely consumed.
  9. Repeat Steps 2-8 until both Rolls have been entirely eaten.
  10. Place the soiled fork on the undamaged white cardboard.
  11. Drink the milk without stirring.
  12. Enjoy.
  13. Repeat Steps 11-12 until all milk is gone.
  14. Investigate the bottom of the glass to be sure that none of the Swiss Roll residue is still in the bottom of the glass.
  15. If there is no residue skip to Step 18.
  16. If residue is located it, recover it with the fork.
  17. Return the fork to the white cardboard.
  18. Lean back in your chair.
  19. Enjoy.

Matt Oesch is certain that this innovative procedure will deeply impact your existence, and is open to any questions and/or expressions of gratitude that you may have.

*Formerly known as "Hoho's".

Disclaimer: The opinions shared in this announcement may not reflect the opinions of this blog, or it's publisher.

posted by Julie at 2:22 PM



25/4/05 17:21  

The error in this bit of "science" is that it claims milk (ugh) as a necessity.
And we all know that milk is nasty, right? ;)

25/4/05 18:51  

Well, since Matt comes from a family who owns a very large diary farm...

26/4/05 08:05  


You have been scammed out of valuable time reading random blogs. MUAHAHA!

Hope you all at least found some new blogs to read.

19/5/05 14:05  

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