Officially Technological

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I Think I'm Feeling Healthy

Have you ever remembered something that you did or a way that you behaved when you were younger (even if it's only 5 minutes younger), and you still blush just thinking about it? I know I have. My whole life, I've been in a constant state of blushing over times that I've embarrassed myself. Like the time that my wrap skirt fell off in kindergarten (which - incidentally - is to date my most embarrassing moment). Let me tell you about it. I was in the morning kindergarten class (back in the days before all-day kindergarten). And I hated (I mean HATED) to wear skirts. I had an aversion to skirts (which, frankly, hasn't waned much over the years). But I especially hated wrap skirts. Mostly because when you're a little kid it's tricky enough figuring out which shoe goes on which foot, much less trying to figure out the intricacies of a wrap skirt after going to the bathroom at school. Well, one fateful morning, my mom won the epic battle of Julie vs. The Wrap Skirt, and off to school I went with the dreaded article. Once I got to school, somewhere between shrugging off my coat, and standing on the "story-book" rug in front of my very first serious crush, Eric P. (not to be confused with Eric Y. whom I didn't like much at all), the worst possible thing happened. The tie that held up my skirt had come untied, and there I stood in my little girl flowered underwear with Eric P. (and probably Eric Y. and all my other classmates) looking right at me. I was devastated, and I learned an important lesson that day. Never, never, never lose the battle of Julie vs. The Wrap Skirt again. I don't think I wore another wrap skirt until I was in high school.

Anyway, that's not the point of this story really. It's just an example of how things that happen when you're young (or youngER) can still cause embarrassment. You'd think after Eric P. never mentioned it or teased me, or after I'm all grown up and owning several non-offending wrap skirts that I wouldn't be embarrassed by such an innocent mistake. But nope, every time I thought of it - up until now - I would blush and shake my head and kinda shudder a little.

This is mostly how I feel about my childhood. I was kinda awkward. A little gangly. You know the type.... the kind that is old enough to wear make-up but not old enough to know how to use it. The type that's old enough to want to go out and do the things that her older brothers and sisters did, but not old enough to get permission. That was me. My whole life. And when I looked back at myself, I was almost perpetually embarrassed with how dorky I acted, how sensitive I was, etc. etc. etc.

But this weekend, I kinda had an epiphany. There's a little girl at church who is about the age I was when I was my most geekiest, and my most gangliest. and my most annoyingest (if that's a word), and she reminds me so much of me when I was her age. Not the geekiness or the annoyingness, or ganglyness, but just her. Just her basic personality reminds me so much of how I was. Kinda in limbo. Kinda younger than she wants to be, but older than her body is. And you know what? For the first time, I've been able to look back at myself and not be embarrassed. Why? Because she's so cute. She's sweet. and warm. and chatty. and girly. and prissy. and tender. and sensitive. and shy. and affectionate. She's just so doggone cute. And yeah, she's still a pre-teen, and we all know those are awkward years. But in the event that she will grow up and be tempted to be embarrassed by herself, I want to tell her not to waste her time, because she's good. Yeah, she's great. And no amount of embarrassing moments make her any less. And it was while I was chatting with her mom about her and how much she reminds me of me, I thought, "I'm not embarrassed at all anymore. I'm just me. That was me. This is me. And me is me." So, in case you didn't catch it from my title, I think I've come to a healthier place. And that's.... very good. :)
posted by Julie at 11:16 PM


I think your twenties is about the time you finally get used to being in your own skin.

I do the exact same things. And when I get really embarassed or want to tell myself what an idiot I was for doing this or that thing, I always ask myself if I would treat you that way. Or anyone else at all who has made a mistake. And the answer is always, no, I wouldn't call Julie an idiot. So I've got to treat myself at least as well as I treat my best friend. Or a perfect stranger. It cuts back on the kicking myself in hindsight. But I can't fix the blush & shudder that always happens at some memories. Some things are just too embarrassing.

15/5/06 11:54  

This post made me feel all warm and fuzzy to be a girl. Can you make a movie of your life and narrate this post at the very end?


15/5/06 13:28  

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