Sunday, May 14, 2006
I Think I'm Feeling Healthy
Anyway, that's not the point of this story really. It's just an example of how things that happen when you're young (or youngER) can still cause embarrassment. You'd think after Eric P. never mentioned it or teased me, or after I'm all grown up and owning several non-offending wrap skirts that I wouldn't be embarrassed by such an innocent mistake. But nope, every time I thought of it - up until now - I would blush and shake my head and kinda shudder a little.
This is mostly how I feel about my childhood. I was kinda awkward. A little gangly. You know the type.... the kind that is old enough to wear make-up but not old enough to know how to use it. The type that's old enough to want to go out and do the things that her older brothers and sisters did, but not old enough to get permission. That was me. My whole life. And when I looked back at myself, I was almost perpetually embarrassed with how dorky I acted, how sensitive I was, etc. etc. etc.
But this weekend, I kinda had an epiphany. There's a little girl at church who is about the age I was when I was my most geekiest, and my most gangliest. and my most annoyingest (if that's a word), and she reminds me so much of me when I was her age. Not the geekiness or the annoyingness, or ganglyness, but just her. Just her basic personality reminds me so much of how I was. Kinda in limbo. Kinda younger than she wants to be, but older than her body is. And you know what? For the first time, I've been able to look back at myself and not be embarrassed. Why? Because she's so cute. She's sweet. and warm. and chatty. and girly. and prissy. and tender. and sensitive. and shy. and affectionate. She's just so doggone cute. And yeah, she's still a pre-teen, and we all know those are awkward years. But in the event that she will grow up and be tempted to be embarrassed by herself, I want to tell her not to waste her time, because she's good. Yeah, she's great. And no amount of embarrassing moments make her any less. And it was while I was chatting with her mom about her and how much she reminds me of me, I thought, "I'm not embarrassed at all anymore. I'm just me. That was me. This is me. And me is me." So, in case you didn't catch it from my title, I think I've come to a healthier place. And that's.... very good. :)