Officially Technological

Monday, August 15, 2005

A Declaration Of War

After spending the weekend outdoors, I received ten bug bites on my feet which have made it inconvenient (if not impossible) to sleep. The sudden sting of an itch in the arch of my right foot has forced me to start from a deep slumber several times. Once awake, I have been required to itch all the other bites before falling back to sleep. You can imagine what a curse this has been since I do not function well when my sleep has been so rudely interrupted so frequently. So, I decare a war on the flesh biting species of insects/spiders. And this is how I plan to proceed:

It is not shocking that I do not plan to step neither toe nor hair out of doors for any extended period of time before fall. As the weather is getting cooler and I'm an indoors kind of person in general, I will not feel the need. And when the out-of-doors can not be avoided, I will call my first line of defense, the troops from "Off" to my rescue. If bug/spider dare enter my shield of "Off" it will be the recipient of the most severe body-shattering slap by my special forces named "hands".

It is not until the fall that I plan a full offensive attack on the bugs/spiders of Mid-Michigan. When the sun sinks further to the south, I shall invite my Allis from the North, "Cold Weather" in to raid the bugs/spiders and leave them annihilated. The North has already agreed to my terms, and have promised to drive out and/or strike dead any bug/spider that lives outside. With a mid-November dusting of the fierce Alli "Snow" the North plans to extinguish any hopes of the bugs/spiders and will leave them devastated. The North insists that this terrible and aggressive attack shall eliminate any sign of the outdoor bugs/spiders for many months. Indeed, through the entire winter.

So, in the terms and conditions of my contract with the North, they have dictated that all residents of the indoors take a defensive position and force as many indoor bugs/spiders out into the outdoors as possible. Show no mercy, residents, on these terrible creatures. "Cold Weather" will at times not immediately kill the bugs/spiders that they come in contact with, but will render them loop and silly - especially flies tend to be suffer from this kind of attack. If you see such a creature kill it immediately.

Too many feet and other hard-to-reach areas have fallen victim to these dreaded creatures. If you desire bugs/spiders to take over the world, by all means, shelter them in your warm houses, and leave them loop and silly, but if your feet have ever fallen prey to their vicious attacks, I urge you to follow the guidelines of our friends from the North and turn them out. For the sake of a good night of sleep turn these beasts out, I implore you!
posted by Julie at 9:08 AM

7 Comments:

Where can I sign this Treaty of War? I will fight! nay! DIE for the cause of this noble war!

15/8/05 12:00  

That's showing them Julie! Want to see if you can send Cold Weather this way and take care of some lizards and scorpions?

15/8/05 13:26  

I will join your cause in a heartbeat. Let's take the spiders out first.

15/8/05 13:37  

Amen, Beth. Amen.

15/8/05 14:36  

Hmmm first of all I thought you hated "North" and despised "cold weather" surely all insects are not jumping in bed with those strange fellows?

Second, few if any spiders bite human beings, especially northern species. So knock it off or I'll knock you off. And by "knock you off," I mean knock you out. Yeah how's that for my first post in a while?!

16/8/05 12:50  

It was pretty abrasive. That's how it was.

I DO "hate North" and "despise Cold Weather" but I'm trying to look on the bright side and as far as I can tell this is the brightest side of "North and Cold Weather".

16/8/05 14:13  

ummm was' bright about North and Cold Weather? Have you ever really met them? Gone to their houses? Do you know what they're personified face looks like? Sorry to snow you under with lots of questions.

16/8/05 15:20  

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