Monday, August 15, 2005
A Declaration Of War
It is not shocking that I do not plan to step neither toe nor hair out of doors for any extended period of time before fall. As the weather is getting cooler and I'm an indoors kind of person in general, I will not feel the need. And when the out-of-doors can not be avoided, I will call my first line of defense, the troops from "Off" to my rescue. If bug/spider dare enter my shield of "Off" it will be the recipient of the most severe body-shattering slap by my special forces named "hands".
It is not until the fall that I plan a full offensive attack on the bugs/spiders of Mid-Michigan. When the sun sinks further to the south, I shall invite my Allis from the North, "Cold Weather" in to raid the bugs/spiders and leave them annihilated. The North has already agreed to my terms, and have promised to drive out and/or strike dead any bug/spider that lives outside. With a mid-November dusting of the fierce Alli "Snow" the North plans to extinguish any hopes of the bugs/spiders and will leave them devastated. The North insists that this terrible and aggressive attack shall eliminate any sign of the outdoor bugs/spiders for many months. Indeed, through the entire winter.
So, in the terms and conditions of my contract with the North, they have dictated that all residents of the indoors take a defensive position and force as many indoor bugs/spiders out into the outdoors as possible. Show no mercy, residents, on these terrible creatures. "Cold Weather" will at times not immediately kill the bugs/spiders that they come in contact with, but will render them loop and silly - especially flies tend to be suffer from this kind of attack. If you see such a creature kill it immediately.
Too many feet and other hard-to-reach areas have fallen victim to these dreaded creatures. If you desire bugs/spiders to take over the world, by all means, shelter them in your warm houses, and leave them loop and silly, but if your feet have ever fallen prey to their vicious attacks, I urge you to follow the guidelines of our friends from the North and turn them out. For the sake of a good night of sleep turn these beasts out, I implore you!